When Hermione awoke the next morning, she knew she should go see Severus.
But she was afraid. Afraid of what she might say, of what he might say. She didn't want to admit she still cared for him, not to herself and especially not to him.
After staring at the same passage in her Arithmancy book for a half hour, Hermione gave up on homework and left her room, setting a course for the hospital. Madam Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen and Hermione could see Severus sitting up in bed behind the curtain.
Steeling herself, she walked over to the bed and carefully pulled back the curtain, stepping inside the small space.
She and Severus stared at each other for a long moment before Hermione cleared her throat and averted her eyes.
"How are you feeling?" she asked quietly.
"As good as can be expected, I suppose." Severus eyed Hermione for a moment. "Why are you here?"
"I wanted to see how you were," Hermione murmured.
"But why? You and I are nothing."
"I know," Hermione whispered, aware that at the rate she was going he wouldn't be able to hear anything else she said. "But I was... well, I was worried."
Severus stared at her for a minute, then sighed. "We need to talk."
"About what?" Hermione asked, glancing up sharply.
"Things," Severus replied simply. "Almost dying tends to put things into perspective for you."
"You didn't almost die," Hermione said softly.
"Yes, well, when you think you're going to," Severus amended shortly.
Hermione and Severus stared at each other for a moment, both of them feeling the same thing, yet neither one of them admitting to it: the strong desire to be together, but both afraid of the risks.
"Poppy said she'd let me go after dinner tonight, so if you could come down-"
"To your chambers?" Hermione said warily.
"Believe me, whatever you're thinking is the last thing on my mind."
Hermione felt her face flush and she nodded.
"I'll be down tonight then."
Severus nodded and the silence stretched between them. Hermione finally cleared her throat and shifted her feet.
"I guess I'll go then," she mumbled, backing through the curtain and walking quickly from the hospital, almost running smack in Harry and Ron as she did.
"Hey, Hermione," Harry said, grabbing her arm as she stumbled slightly. "You okay?"
"Yeah, fine," Hermione replied, forcing a smile.
"Why were you in the hospital?" Ron asked. "Are you sick?"
"No, I'm fine. I just wanted to see how Professor Snape was doing."
"Oh," Ron murmured, glancing at Harry.
"What's that look for?" Hermione asked, frowning slightly.
"Nothing, just... is he alright?"
Ron looked slightly uncomfortable asking this, and Hermione could tell he wasn't particularly interested in knowing, but a small part of him couldn't help but be concerned.
"He's fine," Hermione murmured, finally moving away from the door. Ron and Harry followed. For the first time, Hermione noticed their broomsticks.
"It just seems odd," Harry began. "First you tell Snape to get away from you, and then you run to his side when he collapses."
"Story of my life," Hermione muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing. Look, no one else seemed in any rush to help him and I just-"
"I'm not asking you to defend yourself," Harry said, shrugging. "It's just curious is all."
"Quidditch practice?" Hermione asked, swiftly changing the subject as she nodded towards the boys' brooms.
"Yep. Game next weekend."
"Harry here seems to think that freezing our bums off will make us better players," Ron muttered, smirking.
"It is not that cold outside," Harry said, laughing.
"There's still snow on the ground, mate. I imagine that means it's still pretty cold out."
"Whatever you say." Harry grinned. "You wanna come watch, Hermione?"
Hermione hesitated only a minute before nodding.
"Yeah, I'll be down in a minute, I just need to run and get my cloak."
Harry and Ron looked pleasantly surprised as they nodded.
Hermione smiled and turned to head back to her room.
She enjoyed watching the practice, cheering as the team performed almost flawlessly.
"You guys look great up there," Hermione said, running to meet the team as they landed. Ginny grinned, brushing some loose strands of hair from her face.
"Maybe you'll come to the games now."
"Ha ha," Hermione muttered, grinning back. She walked back to the castle with Harry, Ron, and Ginny, glad she'd decided to see the practice rather than holing up in her room.
After dinner, she headed to the dungeons to see Severus. As she approached his office door, she saw it was cracked slightly and she carefully pushed it open.
Severus was seated at his desk, looking through some papers.
"You should be resting," Hermione murmured. Severus glanced up at her.
"I am resting."
"You wanted to talk," Hermione continued, closing the door. Severus nodded and stood, leading Hermione down to his chambers.
"Have a seat," he said, motioning to the small sitting area. Hermioen chose a chair, rather than the sofa, and watched a fire roar to life in the fireplace.
"Drink?" Severus asked from somewhere behind her.
"No," Hermione answered, turning slightly in her seat as Severus walked by.
"Hermione."
"I don't think-" Hermione began uneasily.
"I don't care. I've known you as Hermione. I can't know you as any other, and I don't want to know you as any other."
"Severus, what are you doing?" Hermione asked, her tone pained as he sat down on the sofa.
"I'm not doing anything. I want to explain things to you." Severus stared at Hermione, his eyes almost pleading with her, which was something completely new to her.
"Explain what?" Hermione said softly.
"Everything. I was thinking that if I died without explaining, without... apologizing, it would be a mistake."
Hermione remained silent, waiting.
"The convention." Severus sighed. "I've notified the people in charge that the potion was not just my creation."
Hermione felt some of the old anger rise within her and she opened her mouth to speak.
"Just listen," Severus said, cutting her off. Hermione closed her mouth, staring at Severus.
"My actions were due partially to jealousy, I'll admit it. But I felt ignored-"
"You were never ignored," Hermione cut in, shaking her head and staring at him oddly.
"Every time I saw you, you were always with a group of people. They sought you out."
"Any group I was in was a discussion group." Hermione shook her head again. "And the only reason anyone ever 'sought me out' was to ask me if I knew what was wrong with you."
"What was wrong with me?" Severus asked, gazing at Hermione.
"Every time someone wanted to talk to you, you'd say probably two words and become essentially mute. I know, I watched you." Shaking her head yet again, Hermione looked at Severus, her eyes worried. "What was bothering you so much?"
"That's part of everything I have to tell you." Severus moved forward on the couch, clasping his hands together between his knees. "Voldemort has been hinting, in not so subtle ways, that you having any further involvement with me could be detrimental. To you." Severus stood, turning to face the fireplace. "And then I got a note at Christmas from Lucius Malfoy."
Severus closed his eyes and recited the note from memory, as it had haunted him since he received it. When he finished, he turned to look at Hermione. She was staring at him, her eyes shining brightly with unshed tears.
"I know what they're capable of doing, Hermione, and I couldn't stand thinking about what they would do to you. That's why I took the credit for the potion, so you would hate me and disassociate yourself from me."
Severus sat down again, longing to take Hermione's hands in his but restraining himself.
"My intention was never to hurt you the way I did. All I cared about was protecting you."
"If I was in so much danger when we were together," Hermione began slowly, controlling her voice, "then why am I down here now? Isn't this just adding kindling to the fire?"
"You're down here because I'm selfish. Part of the stress that led to my attack was, first of all, guilt over what I had done to you, and, more importantly, the realization that I love you."
Tears leaked from Hermione's eyes and she looked away, trying to compose herself before she spoke.
"Why couldn't you tell me this sooner?" she asked, swiping at her cheeks.
"Because I'm a fool..."
"Yes," Hermione agreed, nodding. "What do you want me to say, Severus? You hurt me, whether it was your intention or not. And besides, I have to think about myself, my family. If being with you will endanger their lives, I don't know if I want to risk that."
Severus watched Hermione stand, rising as well as she walked past the sofa.
"I thought I loved you before, Severus. I guess I did," Hermione said, turning to face him. "And I've spent these last couple of weeks telling myself that I was stupid and foolish for ever thinking I could love you." Hermione sighed, tilting her head to the side and watching Severus with sad eyes. "I realize now that I never stopped loving you. But I need some time to think. Can you give me that?"
Severus nodded. "Yes," he whispered.
Hermione smiled briefly at him and then left.
Sighing, Severus turned and headed for the bathroom to prepare for bed.
When Hermione awoke the next morning, she lay still a moment, staring up at the ceiling.
She thought back to her conversation with Severus the night before, remembered the look in his eyes. She wanted to be with him, she couldn't deny that, didn't even try. But when she remembered Severus's recitation of Lucius Malfoy's note, her stomach twisted and she turned onto her side, curling up under the covers.
Maybe they wouldn't hurt her family, she reasoned. There wasn't any reason to, really, and besides, she didn't figure the Death Eaters were big on subtlety. If they wanted to hurt her, they'd just do it directly.
Hermione got out of bed and crossed to her desk to write a letter to her parents, to see how they were.
When she finished, she sealed the letter and dressed to take it to the owlery.
Hermione hadn't looked at the clock when she woke up, but she realized it must still be early as she only saw one other person on her way outside.
It was nice though, to walk out into the serene white of the grounds and after she sent Hedwig off with her letter, she headed down to the lake.
For the most part, it was frozen, except for a section over at the far end where the giant squid had broken through the ice.
Hermione stared at the frozen surface, watching the occasional wind gust swirl the snow around.
"I don't recall the lake holding the meaning of life when I was down there."
Hermione looked up to see Harry approaching her, a soft smile on his face. Hermione returned the smile.
"Yes, well, you had other things on your mind."
"True. What brings you out here so early?"
"I was using Hedwig to deliver a letter to my parents," Hermione answered, turning her eyes back to the lake.
"Ah, so that's why she wasn't there."
"I'm sorry, I didn't think-" Hermione began, looking at Harry again. He waved her apology away, shaking his head.
"It's alright. School owls work just as well." Harry gazed at Hermione curiously. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." Hermione sighed.
"Let's sit," Harry said, pointing to one of the benches scattered around the lake. Hermione nodded and they stepped over to it, clearing the snow from the seat.
"How've you been, Harry?" Hermione asked, looking over at him. "I've been so busy with other things that I've kind of been neglecting you and Ron."
Harry shrugged. "Just another year at Hogwarts. The occasional scar twinge, the never ending threat of someone who wants to kill me, and the impending doom of N.E.W.T.s. I think N.E.W.T.s scare me more."
Hermione laughed as Harry smiled.
"So what brings you out here? Besides the letter. It's a bit chilly to be contemplating the lake."
"I was just thinking," Hermione murmured, digging a trough in the snow with her heel.
"About what?"
Hermione sighed again, filling the hole she'd dug. "Things. A guy."
"Oh," Harry replied softly. "Anyone I know?"
"No," Hermione lied. She wasn't quite ready to come out and tell Harry she was in love with their Potions professor.
"So what's the problem? If there is one."
"There kind of is. I love him, but there's just other issues in the way." Hermione stood and began pushing snow into a pile. "Let's make a snowman."
Harry grinned and stood as well, helping Hermione round the bottom.
"Is he worth the time?" Harry asked as he brushed some snow off the mound. Hermione glanced at him quizzically and Harry clarified what he was asking.
"Oh," Hermione said, "well, yeah. But there's also other factors."
Harry chose not to press what those were as he and Hermione moved onto their snowman's midsection; instead, he shrugged.
"If you think he's worth it, then give it a shot. Or at least talk to him."
Hermione nodded, skimming some snow from the torso in an effort to round him out a bit.
Harry, meanwhile, was kneeling down, forming the head. As he lifted it onto the snowman, Hermione giggled and Harry looked back at her.
"What?"
"He's a little short. And fat."
Harry stepped back and grinned. "Oh well." He looked around. "He needs a face."
Hermione went down to the lake and returned with two round stones and a slightly frozen reed.
"Eyes and mouth?"
"Works for me," Harry answered, watching as Hermione fixed the snowman's face. Harry stuck two fallen branches in the middle for arms and wrapped his own scarf around the lower half of the head. Hermione deemed it complete and then shivered.
"Let's go inside, I'm sure breakfast is ready."
Harry nodded and began to follow Hermione back to the castle. Glancing back at their snowman, he frowned. He'd never seen an unhappy snowman, and he didn't think it had anything to do with the quality of the reed.
Hermione received a letter back from her parents later that afternoon. They were fine, happy to hear from her. She read the letter twice, turning things over in her head.
Maybe she would talk to Severus, tell him what she was feeling.
Thinking to herself, Hermione finished her Transfiguration homework and then left her room, her idea to head to the dungeons.
But as she passed the doors to the grounds, she heard loud shouts from outside. Frowning and pulling out her wand, Hermione stepped over to the doors, which opened just enough to let her through.
She immediately wished she'd brought her cloak but just as quickly forgot about it when she saw the large crowd gathered around what was unmistakably a fight.
Rushing over, she fired a loud bang from her wand. The crowed parted and she used her wand again to blast the two boys apart.
"What is going on here?" she asked angrily as the boys, both third years, one a Gryffindor, one a Slytherin, picked themselves up. The Slytherin had a busted lip and the Gryffindor's nose was bloody. They both began talking at once and Hermione raised her hands.
"One at a time!" she cried, pointing at the Gryffindor. She seemed to remember his name as something Perkins.
"He insulted my father. Said he cried like a woman when the Death Eaters were torturing him. And he made a crack on my mother." Perkins sniffed angrily and the crowd around fell silent as Hermione looked over at the Slytherin -something Fields- and frowned. He glared back at her.
"What?" he said sullenly.
"Are you even going to deny it?" Hermione asked, her annoyance growing.
"No."
Hermione sighed. "Fine. Twenty points from both your houses, and I'm going to take you to see your heads of house. Everybody back inside now."
The kids gathered around slowly turned and headed up the steps into the castle, talking quietly amongst themselves.
The two boys, Perkins and Fields, walked silently beside Hermione back into the castle. She half expected them to start fighting again, but they remained sullen as they headed first to see Professor McGonagall.
After explaining to her what had happened, Hermione left with Fields, feeling it best that they not witness the wrath of McGonagall.
As she and Fields headed next to see Severus, Fields began muttering to himself and Hermione caught two choice words.
"I don't much care about what your father says and if you ever call me that again, I'll-"
"Yes, Miss Granger?"
Hermione stopped short, almost running smack into Professors Snape and Vector. She gazed up at Severus, taking a step back.
"Uh, nothing. I caught Fields here in a fight with another student. I already took the other boy to see his head of house, and I wanted to leave Fields to you."
"Thank you, Miss Granger." Severus scowled briefly at Fields before looking back at Hermione.
"Is there anything else?"
"I'd, uh, like to talk with you later," Hermione said, uncomfortably aware of both Professor Vector and Fields watching her. "About an assignment."
"After dinner then," Severus replied. Hermione nodded and turned to leave, glancing back to see Severus and Fields disappear around the corner, Professor Vector having gone back into the staffroom.
She found Harry and Ron in the Gryffindor common room, playing wizard chess. The three of them wiled away the afternoon playing chess, alternating players with each game.
Hermione's mood had improved by the time dinner came around and the three of them walked into the hall together.
As the meal progressed, however, worry began to eat at Hermione, as Severus wasn't up at the staff table and had yet to show up.
Her appetite gone, Hermione excused herself and left the hall, walking quickly to the dungeons.
The office was empty and so Hermione went down to his chambers.
"Severus?" She didn't want to think that he'd been summoned so soon after his heart attack, but it was all too obvious in the silence that answered her call.
She was prepared to wait for him when suddenly the embers in the fireplace roared to life, turning green. A moment later, Severus stumbled out, falling to his knees.
Hermione rushed over to him, dropping down beside him.
"Oh, God, Severus," she murmured, placing a hand on his cheek and turning his head so she could see his face. He looked surprised to see her, and looked as though he wanted to speak, but then began to cough violently.
Hermione left his side only to get him a glass of water, helping him sit up properly to drink it. He was bruised and battered, but refused to let Hermione treat his wounds.
"What was it you wanted to talk about?" he whispered, and Hermione almost laughed, despite the tears in her eyes. The corners of his mouth rose in a smirk and Hermione leaned forward to kiss him.